Cellmate

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Ever since I was driving one sunny morning on a clear road and was plowed into by a car whose driver said in defense “I looked and she wasn’t there”, I have become more observant of drivers using cell phones. Not that I know she was on a cell phone, but honestly which is more likely, I have a Star Trek transporter or she was immersed in conversation?

In any case, I have noticed a number of different approaches to drivers holding cell phones and have unscientifically categorized them by the likelihood of their steering into my car.

Capsized Cranium—She manages to firmly grip the steering wheel with two hands by pressing the cell phone between her should and her ear. She appears to have good steering wheel control, I just wonder how distorted a perspective of the road she views with such a significant head tilt. Not recommended for individuals with a history of neck or upper back strain.

Everything Under Control— Phone in one hand, coffee in the other, how is she steering? But she looks so confident chatting away that I presume she has auto pilot and everything is under control… at least until the coffee spills.

Lean Look— His left hand holds the steering wheel, while his right hand holds the cell and the whole body leans to the right—perhaps with an elbow against the mid-console. Appears quite relaxing, hopefully his reflexes aren’t also relaxing.

Manicured Model—The phone is held gingerly by all 4 fingertips and thumb as if she is coming from a manicure. She certainly looks together, so hopefully her driving is as well.

Angry Audio—He has two hands on the wheel and is apparently talking to nobody as there are no passengers in the car. I used to presume that these drivers were using hands free phones. Then I had several conversations with male relatives who admitted to having quite dynamic soliloquies while driving alone. Apparently these aren’t the one off conversations that many of us have after a maddening encounter when we just didn’t get our point heard. No, this is a daily ritual for these drivers. I’m not exactly sure how to categorize this group—I tend to give them plenty of extra space.

Twist and Talk— While holding the cell in one hand, her other hand gesticulates wildly. As with the Everything Under Control driver I question her ability to quickly make a corner, but she would certainly do well as a mime.

Everyone Else—I’m not sure how many people drop through to this category—there just aren’t too many options for holding a cell phone while driving.

Now when I see a driver on a cell and am quickly considering my driving options, I try to recall my list and if I can’t remember all seven categories, I just use my acronym, CELMATE.